When I made a list of my favorite tweets from last month, I really enjoyed the act of looking back at the month and remembering its key events (and punchlines). So I decided do it again.
Last month, I had a top 50. This month, I have a top 120. (It was a busy month.)
Here are My Favorite Tweets from July 2015, in chronological order.
Some amused me. Others made me think. A few are profane. Such is life.
when u just got dumped & ur best friend is like "stop, i'm coming over, i'm bringing bananas. ur gonna get thru this" pic.twitter.com/GdPOHMAbuN
— titless wonder (@joanofdarkness) July 1, 2015
This GIF of Channing Tatum voguing is everything. pic.twitter.com/HFEzMjE3n9
— Berrak Sarikaya (@BerrakBiz) July 2, 2015
Hat tip to the little kid on my walk to the bookstore who was staring at some flying pigeons and whispered reverently, "Sky chickens."
— Genevieve Valentine (@GLValentine) July 2, 2015
idk who made this but it's brill pic.twitter.com/XH0eu55p5v
— Ellyanna Mormont (@SMLXist) July 2, 2015
Tonight I became Betty Draper when a kid in the elevator said she'd missed the fireworks and all I could think to say was, "You'll be fine."
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) July 2, 2015
…srsly folks, you get the journalism you deserve, so maybe link to pieces w/ original reporting rather than metastatic aggregatey stuff?
— Ed Yong (@edyong209) July 2, 2015
I'm currently escorting a goat in a video game. This is my life now.
— Kirby Puckett (@kirbypuckett) July 2, 2015
Saying "You can't be sad because some people have it worse" is like saying "You can't be happy because some people have it better".
— Irene Adler (@The_Whip_Hand) July 2, 2015
— Sarah Chavez (@sarah_calavera) July 2, 2015
Theodore Roosevelt: [explodes out of the inside of a live elephant] "I'M BORED"
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 2, 2015
Whenever he saw a sleeping person, he became convinced that he was being dreamed by them.
— Invisible Fonts (@invisiblefonts) July 2, 2015
Roosevelt: Listen old boy I know you enjoyed that book on wolves I gave you
Taft: I didn't
R: So I filled your whole house with wolves
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 2, 2015
This is one reason the term post-racial always gave me pause. I always read it as post-blackness, as a kind of erasure not an elevation…
— Charles M. Blow (@CharlesMBlow) July 3, 2015
Rule 35: Someone will buy it.
— Ms. (@RienzoKennedy) July 3, 2015
the constellations were born in the sea and leapt high enough to land among the darkness of the night as scattered orbs of pearlescent light
— feisty snake-woman (@beautifulrune) July 4, 2015
It's incredible to me that we still relate social worth to some kind of labor. Such a poor measure of value. https://t.co/bkz8AyW8ma
— MARC EGLON (@MarcEglon) July 4, 2015
— Philip Lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) July 5, 2015
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he won't stop until every last one of us is dead.
— Rich McCarthy (@Rich_McCarthy) July 5, 2015
Next time those comic book nerds tell a woman she can't review a superhero movie, I'm gonna respond w/ this: pic.twitter.com/dQnmwvLFJS
— Miriam Bale (@mimbale) July 7, 2015
CASABLANCA prequel about Rick looking for the waters.
— Sam Adams (@SamuelAAdams) July 7, 2015
a shower so cold it invents space
— Friedrice Nietzsche (@tinynietzsche) July 8, 2015
"The Computer Girls," a 1967 Cosmopolitan piece about a weird new field, programming, that was dominated by women. pic.twitter.com/juZMBOqAdK
— Clive Thompson (@pomeranian99) July 8, 2015
The Dissolve was nothing less than a reason to be hopeful. In its honor, how about never clicking on superhero casting news again?
— Alan Scherstuhl (@studiesincrap) July 8, 2015
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed. Just close your eyes. Don't look." #WarholQuote
— Andy Warhol Museum (@TheWarholMuseum) July 8, 2015
What I want from a streaming music service: each month, give me a list of what I played. Give me a button to send money to those artists.
— Audrey Penven (@yerdua) July 8, 2015
Companies that claim they want “rock stars” in their job description but have drug screenings.
— DeadGirl™ (@evilgaywitch) July 9, 2015
The flag was already taken down. By putting it back up & then taking it down again, Gov. Haley is erasing Bree Newsome's radical act.
— Duhrew (@isthisdubstep) July 10, 2015
"I had to be very careful. I lived humbly, in fear."-the late Omar Sharif on being "the only Arab" in 1960s Hollywood pic.twitter.com/Wavs9VhldT
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) July 10, 2015
Firing Pao won't solve a single one of Reddit's actual problems. Not one.
— Aaron Sankin (@ASankin) July 10, 2015
"That certain sexy stare … loses its enigmatic charm with toothy over-exposure" pic.twitter.com/V3kDeiYi9g
— Alan Scherstuhl (@studiesincrap) July 10, 2015
Happy birthday nikola tesla! I got you some schematics for alternating current but you already knew that, didn't you, ya time traveling fuck
— Friedrice Nietzsche (@tinynietzsche) July 11, 2015
Would you rather fight one horse-sized person who peaked in high school or 20 duck-sized people who peaked in college
— Elisa Gabbert (@egabbert) July 11, 2015
I fell over.
— A bear (@A_single_bear) July 12, 2015
— Steve Silberman (@stevesilberman) July 13, 2015
Today is National Nude Day. It's also National Grand Marnier Day and National Tape Measure Day. Don't get any grand ideas. #JNN
— Jenda (@allthingsnoisy) July 14, 2015
— NASA (@NASA) July 14, 2015
Commencing overuse of this immediately. pic.twitter.com/wxM0wPjvtz
— Erin Brr, sir (@erinscafe) July 14, 2015
I've had "Held Blue Öyster Cult hostage in my garage for two years" as a bullet point in my résumé since 1995 and nobody's ever noticed it.
— FRONT TOWARD ENEMY (@armyVet1972) July 14, 2015
Do not under any circumstances stand between Boris Karloff and his afternoon tea time. pic.twitter.com/W8Gosist2x
— Wrong Reel (@WrongReel) July 15, 2015
— mo (@chuuew) July 15, 2015
listen whenever people say language is the first site of violence they really mean its the first & (constant) reminder of unbelonging.
— تاز المشاكس (@RuffneckRefugee) July 15, 2015
Scientists, when they say, "We have no idea at this point," sound excited. Not embarrassed, excited. That's science in a nutshell.
— Scott Maxwell (@marsroverdriver) July 15, 2015
If I was from the future, I wouldn't pick now.
— Friedrice Nietzsche (@tinynietzsche) July 15, 2015
Sorry that handjob was like a sick deer trying to get across a frozen pond
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 15, 2015
on a scale of 1 to nature valley granola bar how much is ur life falling apart
— pakalu papito (@pakalupapito) July 15, 2015
— Alysa Bajenaru (@Alysa) July 15, 2015
when your spanish is so bad people on the phone think you're white
— ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤ (@cutetigerlover) July 16, 2015
— Kyle MacLachlan (@Kyle_MacLachlan) July 16, 2015
The fact that you're mad Caitlyn Jenner is getting a Courage Award is the perfect reason why she's getting a Courage Award. #ESPYS
— Gabe Ortíz (@TUSK81) July 16, 2015
— Dankest Memes (@DankKysMemes) July 16, 2015
Some high school should stage Beauty and the Beast and have all of the cast be horrible monsters *except* Beast. Beast would be a human.
— Bitch Fantastic (@T1M07HY) July 16, 2015
— Len Edgerly (@lenedgerly) July 17, 2015
Here's a GIF to help you browse the web more safely. pic.twitter.com/Pchzkpw0Lv
— Bilge Ebiri (@BilgeEbiri) July 17, 2015
#BlackLivesMatter doesn't mean other lives don't. Like people who say "Save The Rainforests" aren't saying "Fuck All Other Types of Forests"
— Matt McGorry (@MattMcGorry) July 18, 2015
— David Simon (@AoDespair) July 19, 2015
The mythwive holds your hand, helping you birth new meaning into the world; A washcloth damp with imagination cools the back of your neck.
— Fancy Pants McFierce (@melissapierce) July 19, 2015
I think the moral of this story is that we should probably care less about who people have sex with
— Joshua Topolsky (@joshuatopolsky) July 20, 2015
— Faze Magazine (@FazeMagazine) July 20, 2015
— Doug Mills (@dougmillsnyt) July 20, 2015
It's unethical to drink water from work if you're going to leave before you piss it out. That's not your personal water
— Dolezal Arpaio (@neonwario) July 20, 2015
Always Be Contenting pic.twitter.com/GP16oOEoWQ
— Tyler Coates (@tylercoates) July 21, 2015
Just destroyed my relationship with the pizza delivery man by acting out the Who Can It Be Now video when I answered the door.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) July 22, 2015
OVERHEARD @STARBUCKS – "I wish I could afford books. But I'm a writer."
— Rolli (@rolliwrites) July 22, 2015
The flowers aren't fake; they're artificial.
— Ms. (@RienzoKennedy) July 22, 2015
“Fail fast” and “embrace failure” miss the fact that failing isn't the goal. “Recover fast” and “learn from failure” matter way more.
— John Maeda (@johnmaeda) July 22, 2015
2/ similarly, STOP ASKING FOR 3-5 YEAR REVENUE PROJECTIONS. (if you want, ask for 12-month EXPENSE projections). you're asking for LIES.
— Dave McClure (@davemcclure) July 22, 2015
When you're high as fuck pic.twitter.com/hPIjmaBXxd
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) July 22, 2015
articles like this are what makes people not want to identify as queer because coming out to the gay community is met with an entrance exam
— xXwilkieXx_ (@wilkieii) July 22, 2015
"The Cynic is always seen as smart, but never seen as beautiful" –@pennjillette
— Michael Haufe (@mlhaufe) July 22, 2015
— David Poland OMS (@DavidPoland) July 23, 2015
It's not routine that's killing your creative process it's that you are not including your creative process in your routine that kills you.
— Fancy Pants McFierce (@melissapierce) July 23, 2015
When you and your girls swear to a secret government to protect their ancient relic pic.twitter.com/IAxzokz3Pm
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 23, 2015
Hate the word "allowed." Replace "allowed" with "free" to remember your freedoms shouldn't be at anyone's behest. https://t.co/twlkZACgV7
— Ellyanna Mormont (@SMLXist) July 23, 2015
The Drake/Meek Mill fiasco reinforces one thing: People have no idea how media is made, but will argue forever on how it “should” be made.
— NickroBBB2Dope (@Nickrob) July 23, 2015
So many accusations of ghostwriting, but no acceptance of how collaborative creating art/media is – even if there is just one name on it.
— NickroBBB2Dope (@Nickrob) July 23, 2015
Sup ladies in your 30's your metabolism slows and your sex drive rises so be prepared to feel like a big slow insecure predator
— Dreb (@MostlyPregnant) July 23, 2015
We are all complicit in this dysfunctional paradigm. Examine how we can change the paradigm. What are our individual contributions to this.
— Wendell Pierce (@WendellPierce) July 24, 2015
The term "lone wolf" sounds cool. Maybe start referring to solitary individuals who murder a bunch of people as "human garbage."
— (((OhNoSheTwitnt))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 24, 2015
I am so close to opening my window and telling this fucking arguing couple to stop fucking arguing about which of them is fucking psychic.
— Matt Zoller Seitz (@mattzollerseitz) July 25, 2015
If it's important to you, you will find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.
— Matt Dusk (@mattdusk) July 25, 2015
ME: what the fuck are cows even trying to do?
UBER DRIVER: please tell me where we're going
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) July 25, 2015
have more than you show. speak less than you know.
— even if you had mc hammer n ‘em 3 fifty 7 bitches (@TheReelAnderson) July 25, 2015
What if you get possessed by a demon that everyone you know likes better than you
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 26, 2015
Social interaction as a "problem", as a site of anxiety, will only continue to become a marker of mobility. Work against this in every way.
— Karen Gregory (@claudiakincaid) July 26, 2015
Amazon is testing a physical drive-thru grocery store. They are now one step away from the ultimate master plan of opening up book stores.
— Aaron Levie (@levie) July 26, 2015
I'd move into a haunted house during the summer just for those cold spots in each room.
— Victor LaValle (@victorlavalle) July 26, 2015
the trick to opening jars is mutter-whispering "motherfucker" while twisting the lid
— Rebekah Kirkman (@rebekahkirkman) July 26, 2015
Magic Mike XXL and Mad Max 4 are both films that pin notions of male resurrection/redemption on the empowerment and validation of women.
— Jake Cole (@notjustmovies) July 27, 2015
Seriously, I'm seeing this more and more: people *do* want to be heard, but the only reply they tolerate is "I agree completely".
— Felix (@felixplesoianu) July 27, 2015
— Mobile Dog Grooming (@SPAWLLC) July 27, 2015
running off again to write clumsily & daydream & make mistakes in pursuit of decent ideas; this week give yrself permission to do the same
— #rachelsyme (@rachsyme) July 27, 2015
Community safety is not predicated on police presence but on economic stability, workforce dev, strong schools, and healthy neighborhoods.
— deray mckesson (@deray) July 27, 2015
Pain, because pleasure is boring.
— Dominique (@smartstripper) July 27, 2015
Tom Cruise is now 4 years older than Wilford Brimley in Cocoon. Not sure what this says but I find it fascinating. pic.twitter.com/YqPMgkO1qi
— Joel Bocko (@LostInTheMovies) July 28, 2015
Your ex will be singing songs about you tonight at The Nightmare Lounge. Drinks start at $14.
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 28, 2015
Eye-tracking app that sees when you're entering deep thought and changes your computer's display/audio to replicate a shower.
— Bored Elon Musk (@BoredElonMusk) July 29, 2015
"Maybe I SHOULD look at the comments. Just this once. What harm – " pic.twitter.com/7MQzGSlIfh
— Adam Smith (@noneconomical) July 29, 2015
"If you're angry about [x] why aren't you upset by [y]." Who says I'm not? Jesus. There's a 140-character limit, for chrissakes.
— Eric Trautmann (@mercuryeric) July 29, 2015
We all want to think we're Furiosa or Max, but most of us are standing 500 feet below Immortan Joe, bowls upraised beseechingly.
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) July 30, 2015
I like my coffee so strong that it could attend its ex's wedding and do shots with the bride
— Just Gwen (@msgwenl) July 30, 2015
Fly: I JUST WANT TO GET OUTSIDE
Me: (swinging a rolled up magazine) GET OUTTA HERE YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Fly: I’M FUCKING TRYING
Me: I HATE YOU
— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) July 30, 2015
Who's working on the New Twitter that will be like Old Twitter so we can all jump to it when Original Twitter changes catastrophically?
— Karen (@clarkkaren) July 30, 2015
Dear Hollywood, get your shit together and make this happen! pic.twitter.com/GKXKg2C6gS
— Gabby Sidibe (@GabbySidibe) July 31, 2015
Well, Captain Ahab portrayed by Daniel Day Lewis, it seems we're after the same whale, & I'm even crazier & hornier for revenge than you are
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 31, 2015
I spend more time looking for GIFs that accurately portray my feelings instead of just saying how I feel. This is the world we live in.
— Justine Ezarik (@ijustine) July 31, 2015
Bootcut replacing skinny jeans feels like that moment in a rom-com when the guy finally dumps the superficial bitch for the shy, sexy girl.
— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) July 31, 2015
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