If It’s So Easy to Make Money Online, Why Aren’t We All Millionaires?

It’s Thanksgiving week in America, and like most people, I’ll be busy doing “real world” tasks until Monday.  But while I’m out visiting family and eating pie, I’ll also be wrestling with the same soul-churning question you are:

If it’s so easy to make money on the Internet, why aren’t we all millionaires?

Fortunately, Michael Forey must have wondered the same thing, because he’s out to help you and everyone you know become amazingly, stupefyingly rich.  All you need to succeed are $17 and his guaranteed system!

See, Michael Forey makes his living “providing the tools, tips and information Internet Marketers need.”

Granted, by “Internet Marketers,” he means these kinds of marketers.  But let’s not split hairs — especially when there’s so much cash waiting to leap into your pocket!

Michael calls his system Hot Trends, and it’s all in his book, whose cover features a mischievous fireball who wants to make you filthy f*cking rich.

Here’s how Forey explains his system, as read directly from his website:

(Well, technically, you need to spend $17, but you’ll make it back so fast that the space-time continuum won’t know the difference…)

YES! To hell with the BS — sell me something I can believe in!  (Maybe something with a mischievous fireball?)

Remember, people: he wracked his brains over this.  (All of them.)

Translation:  “Lots of people who buy this system will fail miserably.”

Translation:  “I still have no idea what I’m doing.”

If we were in Biblical times, Michael Forey would be leading us through the desert for forty years.  Thankfully, he’s just making us astoundingly wealthy instead.  (Which makes me wonder: if Moses had been born today, would he be one of the top earners in Carbon Copy PRO?)

DO YOU SEE HIS PROBLEM?  HE WANTS TO STICK HIS KNOWLEDGE IN YOUR HEAD BUT THERE’S NO HOLE MARKED “PUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE HERE.” IT’S FRUSTERATING!

That’s right, folks: this system is so easy, even an invertebrate can make a living at it for only 30 minutes a day!  And you have thumbs and a nervous system, so you should be a billionaire in minutes!

(NOTE: I called science to ask how dumb a chimpanzee would have to be to successfully operate a trampoline, but science has not called back.  We’ll have to take Forey at his word on this one.)

This system is “so simple,” it takes 10 videos to understand how to become insanely wealthy in thirty minutes a day?  (Remember what I said about the space-time continuum?  Time has no meaning when your life guide is a mischievous fireball of cash.)

Because when I want to find a prime example of a sub-literate primate, I too immediately find the nearest college sophomore.

Side note: You really get a sense of the father-daughter dynamic playing out around Forey’s table this holiday season, since he’s essentially compared her to a mollusk and a chimp on a trampoline.

Wait wait wait…  If his daughter’s a bright kid, that totally blows the control group!  (In fact, if he’d said she used Twitter and LinkedIn, we might suspect her of being a fellow Internet Marketing Genius.  But we know she’s not, because Forey himself assures us his daughter is “no internet markete”

Holy cow — 8 full weeks is now a year? THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM IS SHREDDING ITSELF AND I HAVEN’T EVEN PAID YOU MY $17 YET!!! *scrambles for the checkbook*

Granted, if this system doesn’t work for you, it means you operate at a lower level of brain power than a shellfish, but hey, if you want to admit that, sure, here’s your $17 back…

Open question: should you take financial advice from someone who still thinks you can buy milk for 25 cents?  Or should you be SO MAD that he just reminded you of all those other cafeteria bullies out there that you’re now frothing at the mouth to pay him to help you?

And as FDR himself once said:  “The only thing we have to fear is a retraction of the web’s one true moneymaking scheme.”

… but since the mere existence of this system has already rendered the space-time continuum irrelevant, won’t Hot Trends be around forever?  I, for one, sincerely hope so.  Because if that mischievous fireball of gluttonous cash ever burns out, how else will mollusks and trampoline-bound chimpanzees ever earn enough money to salvage the economy?

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Tags: bullshit, Business, common sense, marketing douchebags, perception, Social Media