Deconstructing an MLM Pitch

As I’ve learned from my recurring discoveries of marketing douchebags, an MLM (or Multi-Level Marketing) opportunity can find you at any time.  Here’s how I came across one completely by accident, and how my amazement escalated as I soaked it all in.

Step One: The Accidental Discovery

This week, I was searching a generic phrase on Twitter, and one of the many tweets that was returned in my search came from vixen1649.

Miss “vixen1649″ (or Hedy Kristen, if you prefer) is married to Hans Kristen, who shares the same passions as his wife — and some of the same tweets…

And both of their Twitter accounts point back to Hans’s website — or, more precisely, Hans’s spoke off the MLM wheel that is Global Virtual Opportunities.

Step Two: The Homepage Link

GVO bills itself as “The Web Host That Helps You Make Money And Live Better,” which is what most of us already thought GoDaddy did. But it’s safe to say that GVO is more than just a web host — it’s a full-service moneymaking smorgasbord!

Step Three: The “Look Who’s Using Our Service” Blurb

On the fence about whether to buy into GVO?  Maybe you’ll be moved by the inspiring photos of these “top MLM and internet marketers”…

After all, how often do you find a business that promises to “change history”?

Step Four: The Arbitrarily-Priced Goods

So, just what does GVO offer beyond standard web hosting that helps them meet their entwined goals of customer wealth creation and timestream disruption?

Who doesn’t want to save $576 a month? Especially when that number is derived from the arbitrary prices ascribed to GVO’s toolset. That way, if they decide tomorrow that their “Lead Capture and Prospecting System” is now worth $200 a month, you’ll be saving $677! It keeps getting better!

Step 5: The Flashily-Named, Dubiously Illustrated Moneymaking Diagram

Question: If you saw a diagram called the Binary Hybrid Matrix Plan, you’d think it was:

A) The plot driver behind Mission Impossible 4.

B) Batman’s secret plan to take down Superman, “if it ever comes to that.”

C) Something Monsanto uses to make plumper tangerines, or

D) The most amazing wealth accrual system you’ve ever seen.

If you answered D, you’re right. (Although, to be fair, we have no way of proving that A through C are not also correct.)

Confused by the icons? Don’t be: all the arrows point to you getting rich! Or, as the accompanying text explains:

Did you hear that? “You will make a healthy commission to infinity!“ It’s like Buzz Lightyear is managing your 401K!!! (And since GVO has the power to change history, infinity is already here.)

Step Six: The Part Where You Sign Up and Become Filthy F*cking Rich

I skipped that part.

Step Seven: The Summary

So, in a nutshell, by searching for certain keywords on Twitter — seemingly innocuous phrases like “online marketing” or “build social network” — you can discover a magical land of instant wealth and natty diagrams. This is a world populated by smiling men (and their wives) who want you to be as successful as they are (because, according to the illustrated Double Matrix Chinchilla Plan, when you get rich, they get richer).

Time is of the essence, because history is about to be changed forever. So act now, or risk being poor for eternity… or until poor people get their own time machine.

Tags: Business, marketing douchebags, perception, Social Media, Sociology, Twitter